If you are 12 years old now, you’ve probably been hearing talk of your bar or bat mitzvah for years now. Perhaps you’ve attended a number of bar and bat mitzvahs of friends or cousins. Perhaps you are the first of your friends to become a bar/bat mitzvah.
Maybe you’ve attended a service and thought: How am I ever going to be able to learn all of that? Or perhaps you’ve already begun studying, and so far it’s felt pretty effortless. (Or perhaps you are a parent of a soon to be bar or bat mitzvah.)
What follows are my 10 commandments for bar/bat mitzvah students.
Some I’ve learned during my years of teaching and preparing students for the “big day.” Some come from former students who’ve recently gone through the process.
Remember, if you are having concerns, you’re probably not alone — it’s pretty normal. Following these commandments is likely to serve you well and help you to feel prepared, confident, proud and hopefully a little less anxious.
I. Thou shalt make a study schedule.
You’re most likely in middle school and have a lot on your plate, from homework to getting involved in a lot of extracurricular activities. You likely feel that you have less free time than you used to.
Like with any long-term project, assignment or goal, it’s best to set a time each day when you will work on it. Choose a time that works most days and stick to it. The first week or so might be a challenge, but once it becomes part of your schedule and you get used to it, it will come naturally and you’ll see that you are making great progress.
II. Thou shalt save thy parents from nagging.
Most of us do not want to be nagged. And most parents would prefer not to nag. Once you’ve figured out when you’re going to study, just do it.
Becoming bar/bat mitzvah is about taking on more responsibility. What better way than to begin by studying without needing reminders (at least not too many reminders). You’ll feel good about it, your parents will be proud of your self-discipline and there will be a lot less arguing (which should make everybody happy).
III. Thou shalt take ownership of thy studies.
Come to your lessons prepared but also with an agenda. Let your tutor know you need help with a particular prayer or that you are having trouble getting a certain melody, or that you just can’t figure out how to get it all done.
Ask questions about the Torah portion or about something that didn’t make sense when you were working at home. If you’re having trouble with some aspect of the preparations or you’re feeling anxious, let your tutor (and/or a parent) know that you need help figuring this out. Taking an active role in this process is another way of taking responsibility and ownership and being an adult.
IV. Thou shalt limit thy extra-curricular activities.
You don’t have to give up everything, but if you want to reduce the stress in your life, it may make sense to plan less obligations during the months before your bar/bat mitzvah. Trying to squeeze in play rehearsals and performances, baseball practices and games, schoolwork and b’nai mitzvah preparation will only stress you out.
V. Thou shalt work hard.
This doesn’t mean you have to get stressed out. But you want to feel that you worked your hardest and that you deserve to feel proud of yourself. If you can honestly say that you put your best effort and work into making this a special time, then you’ll feel that much more proud of all you accomplished to get to that place.
VI. Thou shalt be patient with thyself.
It doesn’t all come at once but eventually it comes together. If you start to get stressed out or frustrated while studying, take a break. Have a snack. Watch some TV. Take a power nap. Then come back to it. Trying to learn something when you’re stressed out will often cause you to feel more stressed out.
VII. Thou shalt stop and smell the roses.
Take time during the weeks and months of preparation to recognize how much you’ve learned and how your confidence has grown as the days go by. Recognize that what you’re chanting today, you didn’t know two weeks ago. Recognize that what you now chant effortlessly you were stumbling through a month ago.
Don’t take all of your efforts and studying for granted. Recognize all that you have learned.
VIII. Thou shalt remember that this is a prayer service.
This is not a performance. It may seem like that as you prepare or even on the actual day, but you’re leading parts of a service. It’s a sacred time for you and your family and even for your community.
Everyone who has stood before the congregation (rabbi and cantor included) have made mistakes. If you do, then you are in good company. And even if you do make a mistake, it doesn’t take away from all the hard work you put into preparing.
IX. Thou shalt be anxious.
This doesn’t sound like the kind of thing you would be commanded to do (or that you want to hear), but think of it as permission.
I usually tell students they are not allowed to be anxious until a month before the bar/bat mitzvah day. And even then, the goal is that any nervousness should be about the fact that you will be in front of a lot of people — not because you are feeling unprepared.
That being said, it’s normal to be at least a little nervous, so don’t fight it. Talk with your parent, tutor, rabbi or cantor about how to calm your nerves a little. But if you are nervous, then you’re in the majority because most bar and bat mitzvah students are (whether they admit it or not).
X. Thou shalt remember that you have a lot more to learn.
Hopefully the preparation for the bar/bat mitzvah is a positive experience. Hopefully you will feel good about it in the end. Hopefully you will see how much more there is to learn and how much more you can grow through the learning offered at your synagogue and in the Jewish community.
Perhaps you will seek out (or be offered) more opportunities to be a leader in your community — reading Torah, being an aide in the religious school, etc. Becoming bar/bat mitzvah is the beginning of a new stage in your life as a member of the Jewish community. Seek out opportunities, take up offers from the clergy or teachers.
Finally, remember: At the very moment you are taking your place as an adult in the Jewish community, hundreds if not thousands of other young Jews around the world are doing the same.
You are part of a community of young Jews becoming young Jewish adults. And, you are continuing the chain of all those who have come before you in your family and in your community. You are the next link — connected to those who came before you and to those will come after you.
Jeff Bernhardt teaches b’nai mitzvah students at Temple Israel of Hollywood and privately. He is a freelance writer living in Los Angeles.