Few things in Jewish life get a rabbi more excited than the chance to help Jews marry other Jews. One reason is the difficulty factor: It’s always been
a challenge to convince young Jews, especially the unaffiliated, to limit their marriage options to the 2 percent of the population that is Jewish.
Another, less publicized, problem is that the Jewish community is not immune to the trends occurring in the rest of society, where, among other things, the new generation keeps putting marriage off.
According to a cover story by Katie Bolick in The Atlantic magazine this month titled “All the Single Ladies,” in 1960, the median age in the United States for a first marriage was 23 for men and 20 for women. Today, it is 28 and 26. This new generation is also marrying less. In 1960, more than half the population ages 18 to 29 had already tied the knot. Today, that figure is 22 percent.
The article states that these numbers reflect “major attitudinal shifts.” According to a study by the Pew Research Center, a full 43 percent of Gen-Xers think “marriage is becoming obsolete.”
Whether or not Jews mirror these larger trends, it’s clear that the societal landscape is changing, and that rabbis are looking for new and compelling ways to connect single Jews to the time-honored ideal of “a Jewish marriage.” Urging them to come to shul on Shabbat or attend a Torah class during the week is hardly enough. And the high-pressure singles events can often snuff out the spontaneity of a romantic encounter.
But, based on my experience on a recent Friday night, I can tell you that one synagogue in Los Angeles has found a compelling and even biblical way to attract the singles crowd: a great Shabbat meal with lots of singing and plenty of good kosher wine.
Under a new young adult initiative, Beth Jacob Congre-gation is offering, at least once a month, a complete Shabbat experience: evening prayers, a catered meal, recitation of all the blessings, words of Torah from the rabbi, Shabbat songs, kosher wine, coffee and dessert and shmoozing until the late hours.
And, of course, the featured (if unspoken) attraction: the opportunity to meet your soul mate.
Since the program was launched earlier this year, attendance has grown from a few dozen to more than 200 singles — helped, no doubt, by the very reasonable price of $15 per person (the synagogue subsidizes about half of the cost).
This idea of reaching out to singles on Friday night is not new.
Congregation Emanu-El in San Francisco, for example, has long hosted “Late Shabbat” on the second Friday of every month. A musical, spiritual Kabbalat service tailored toward young adults, it is preceded by a welcome reception for those who are arriving alone, and followed by an oneg that includes drinking and schmoozing.
Congregation Sherith Israel in San Francisco has a similar event the third Friday every month, although the schmoozing and noshing comes before the service, which features music by the Journey to Shabbat band.
And in the South Bay and on the Peninsula, Jews’ Next Dor holds a dairy-vegetarian potluck Shabbat dinner once a month at private homes. The group — for people in their 20s and 30s — also leads a Shabbat morning service for Congregation Beth David in Saratoga once a year (for man years, Beth David held a Shabbat singles service on one Friday a month).
In Los Angeles, Sinai Temple has its popular monthly “Friday Night Live” events, where hundreds of singles experience a synagogue service led by the charismatic duo of musician Craig Taubman and Rabbi David Wolpe.
The new program at Beth Jacob includes a synagogue service
(Orthodox style, no instruments) followed by a family-style Shabbat meal. This model has long been a staple of outreach groups like Chabad, Aish HaTorah and Hillel, but certainly not of old and venerable shuls like Beth Jacob.
Personally, I’d love every shul in America to follow this model. For one thing, going through the Shabbat meal experience puts people in a holy mood. It makes you think of family and of sharing the warmth of tradition. The event I attended at Beth Jacob was imbued with holiness. How could it not be? The Friday night meal is so full of holy rituals it might as well be a mini-seder.
These holy rituals bring home the notion that the act of meeting your soul mate is as holy as the act of marriage itself. In many ways, Friday night is when a Jewish marriage comes to life — when a couple learns the art of sanctifying time. And what is a loving marriage but the sanctification of time? And what is the sanctification of time if not those moments in the presence of your soul mate, when you are moved to carry yourself with Shabbat-level holiness and dignity?
I can’t say what level of holiness the 200 Jewish singles felt on that recent Friday night or whether anyone met their future soul mate, but I can say that the holy energy of Shabbat seemed to diffuse the usual anxieties of being at a “singles” event.
David Suissa is president of Tribe Media and the Los Angeles Jewish Journal, where a version of this column previously appeared. Information on Bay Area events was added by j.