Rosh Hashanah dinner was a disaster. Somehow we managed to alienate the one person in the family that needs to feel included: my new son-in-law. This year it was decided that I would cook the entire meal, as per usual, but it would be rolled out in the newlyweds’ S.F. apartment for the convenience of the newest, hardest working member of the family, my son-in-law. But the scenario backfired completely. Instead of feeling enveloped into our family’s tradition, my son-in-law arrived home late, tired and overwhelmed by what appeared (in his mind) as a hostile takeover of his home, his holiday and his own traditions. How can I keep our uber-close family traditions intact for the holidays without making the newest kid on the block feel left out? R.B. San Jose
Sharon: The emotional fabric of the holidays always creates challenges to the delicate balance of blended family traditions. Everyone wants the holiday meal to represent what his or her particular memory holds special. It probably would have been easier for your son-in-law to enjoy Rosh Hashanah dinner at your house, rather than his. Fairly, once you entered his castle, he wanted his own say as to how the dinner rolled out. Why not invite some of his extended family or friends next holiday? Or sit back and let the newlyweds make their own holiday traditions and invite you!
Alexis: It seems to me that no matter how good your intentions, you have to tread cautiously here. Your son-in-law is attempting to carve out a new family with your daughter and sees her family of origin (read: you) as a sort of threat. I’d make sure to give your daughter and son-in-law some space to create their own holiday rituals and sense of family. If it’s geographically and logistically possible, try and include his family (or at least his friends) in the action, to reduce tension and give your son-in-law a sense of belonging. I must agree with my mom’s suggestions; the next time the holidays come around, you have two choices: (1) sit back, relax and let them host, or (2) take the reins, but do so in your own home.
Jessica: What a bummer that the beginning of the New Year turned into such a disappointing evening. Honestly, it sounds like hosting at your daughter and son-in-law’s house is off limits from now on unless they are truly the hosts. While the effort you put into creating a lovely dinner shouldn’t go unrecognized, it was obviously uncomfortable and upsetting for your son-in-law. If I were you, I’d chalk it up to a bad day, but keep some heightened awareness about this as a point of sensitivity. While your family may have a “my house is your house” mentality, a new addition may not feel that way (or at least not quite yet!). It sounds like maybe you guys should talk about why he felt upset (in the event it is more than just a crappy day) so in the future stuff like this doesn’t happen.
Saul: After a long work day, I would definitely be happy to arrive home to find a tasty holiday dinner waiting for me. I understand mixing family traditions takes time but isn’t Rosh Hashanah about starting the New Year fresh? This is an issue the newlyweds should figure out before the next big holiday.
Dr. Sharon Ufberg is a Napa-based radio host, journalist, consultant and integrative health practitioner. Her daughters live in San Francisco: Lawyer-turned-writer Alexis Sclamberg, 28 and married; and hair colorist Jessica Sclamberg, 26 and single. Saul Sclamberg, 24 and single, studies chiropractic in Los Angeles. Read more at http://r-2-cents.com.
Dr. Sharon Ufberg and her three children offer advice about family, love and life. Send your questions to [email protected].