American-Yiddish dictionary
Jewbilation: Pride in finding out that one’s favorite celebrity is Jewish.
Torahfied: Inability to remember one’s lines at one’s bar or bat mitzvah.
Chutzpapa: A father who wakes his wife at 4 a.m. so she can change the baby’s diaper.
Disoriyenta: When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.
Mishpochamarks: The assorted lipstick and makeup stains found on one’s face and collar after kissing all one’s aunts and cousins at a reception.
Rosh Hashanana: A rock ’n’ roll band from Brooklyn.
Feelawful: Indigestion from eating Israeli street food.
Kindershlep: To transport other kids in your car besides yours.
Oyvaysmear: What one says when the cream cheese squeezes out of the bagel and falls on your clean pants.
Jewdo: A traditional form of self-defense based on talking one’s way out of a tight spot.
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Chanukah cards
A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Chanukah cards. She says to the clerk, “May I have 50 Chanukah stamps?”
The clerk says, “What denomination?”
“Oh my God,” the woman says, “has it come to this? Give me 6 Orthodox, 12 Conservative, and 32 Reform.”
© david minkoff
All is not well
A Jewish text message: “Begin worrying. Details to follow.”
A bus to the Hilton
An old lady asked a bus driver on Ben Yehuda Street in Jerusalem, “Will you bring me to the Hilton?”
To which he replied: “With my wages?”