Looking for love? Who isn’t!
But when we reach our middle years, or older, the quest may change. While some will always seek that special “life partner,” others may be just as happy to embrace a loving, accepting community.
Bay Area Jewish singles groups for older adults provide safe passage for the search.
The mailing list for Congregation Rodef Sholom’s singles group ranges anywhere from 300 to 600 people at any given time, according to Moji Javid, the San Rafael synagogue’s program director and contact person for the group. “When a new person calls, especially a woman,” she says, “I tell them to start out with the attitude of meeting other people” — nothing more.
“We look at it as a mitzvah to the community. The biggest compliment I get is that our program is not a meat market.”
The group, which started about five years ago and last year joined with Congregation Emanu-El’s singles group in San Francisco, holds activities monthly at varied locations. The theater outings, progressive dinners, Jewish holiday parties, guest speakers and other events draw anywhere from 40 to 70 people, according to Javid. And the annual Chanukah party usually attracts 100.
Javid characterizes the group as “very active,” with most participants in their mid-40s to 50s. All are Jewish, she says, but nearly 90 percent are not affiliated with a congregation. The group evolved for one simple reason: “There was such a need,” she says.
Margot Goldberg of the Peninsula-based BJ Singles 45+, says those who show up for events are more likely to be in the “55-plus” age range than 45, although “lately we’ve had a lot of interesting people in their early 40s.”
Though Temple Beth Jacob in Redwood City provided the seed money and allows the group to use its facilities, BJ Singles — like the Rodef Sholom group — is open to anyone, temple members and non-members alike. “We do a wide range of things,” says Goldberg, “house parties, dine-outs, movie discussion groups. But our bagel brunch at the temple is our most popular event.” The group plans at least two activities a month, (the bagel brunch is held every two months) with attendance typically ranging from 20 to 40 people.
Goldberg joined the group “almost since its inception about nine years ago.” She was a newcomer to the area, knowing only her grown children. “I thought it would be a good group to get involved in,” she explains.
When Goldberg receives phone calls inquiring about the nature of the group, she is reluctant to promise too much. “I used to tell them, ‘If you’re looking for a mate, this is probably not your group.’ But then I look around and see people who are paired: Some have married. Some are just together.”
Others simply sign up “year after year, no questions asked,” she says. “They just want to be part of the group. It’s a very friendly and sociable group. If we know somebody’s having a problem, we try to be there for them.”
April Miller of Emanu-El 49ers in the San Jose area emphasizes, “We are about fun, friendship and sharing information.” As director and newsletter editor, Miller has a pretty good handle on why people link up with the group. Bottom line: “I think that people are coming to us for our extended family.”
Miller, whose husband died 24 years ago, more or less birthed and manages the 6-year-old group. Before that, she headed Congregation Beth Am’s large singles group in Los Altos Hills. During her time with the thriving Beth Am group, she counts 43 marriages that occurred — “and I didn’t do anything other than have a place for them to go,” she demurs.
There have been two marriages involving 49ers so far. “I can’t wait for another marriage,” she says. “It’s fun. It’s a mitzvah to help.”
The group goes out for Sunday brunch, attends services at Temple Emanu-El, and enjoys frequent outings. They’ll go to dinner and the movies at the Jewish Film Festival, and some strolled “To Life! A Jewish Street Festival” in Palo Alto.
Some members, including Miller, have long passed 49.
“We go with the flow as far as activities,” she says, adding that most are relatively inexpensive to participants.
The majority of 49ers live on the Peninsula, but some come from as far as San Francisco.
“There are some people in our group who don’t go anywhere unless we have a function,” says Miller. “I put in my bulletin: Consider us your family.”
Another group in the South Bay, TEVA Singles, caters to Jews in the slightly younger 45-to-55 age bracket and is based at the Addison-Penzak Jewish Community Center in Los Gatos. The group holds one or two events a month, ranging from Shabbat dinners to theater parties.
On the other side of the bay, Lois Tanner of Hayward and Ernestine Cohn of San Leandro often carpool to events for their group, Jewish East Bay Singles 55+ (known as JEBS 55+). Though most members are in their 60s, Cohn says, “Everybody is active, and they’re not old.”
A widow, she’s been attending events for nearly eight years, ever since a friend encouraged her to come to a Chanukah party that proved to be a lot of fun. Cohn had no great expectations when she joined the group: “I was just looking to meet other singles,” she says.
After her husband died at the age of 60, when she was 51, she found that “after the first six months, all of your friends have disappeared.” Also, she realized that “couples don’t do the same things as singles.”
An insurance broker, Cohn has assumed an active role in the group and is responsible for the newsletter and agendas for events.
It turns out she is often partnered at events with a male “friend” whom she met at JEBS five years ago. “It’s a good group of nice people,” she says. “We have fun.”
Her friend Tanner, who’s been involved in singles groups for “20-odd” years, says she feels comfortable with JEBS. “I just decided I wanted to be with Jewish people and go back to my roots.” The group tries to attend services at least every other month, she says, varying the venue. At the High Holy Days, for example, members got together for dinner and went to services at Rossmoor.
Steve Goldberg of San Rafael participates in Rodef Sholom’s group activities, but he is not religious about it. “If I’m involved with somebody, I don’t go, and if I’m not involved, I do go,” says the recently retired 55-year-old.
“For me, I’m divorced. I’ve raised my two kids; they’re out the door. I’m kind of an empty-nester — it’s the dog and myself.
“I’m actively looking for a partner.”
He serves on the board of the Bay Area Jewish Singles Hiking Club, and he also joins in Rodef Sholom group activities — though he’s trying to get a singles group going at his own synagogue, Conservative Congregation Kol Shofar in Tiburon.
With the Rodef Sholom group, “I go there, I make friends and I talk with people,” he says. “It’s always nice for the evening or afternoon. And you never know…”