Top 10 reasons to like Chanukah

10. No roof damage from reindeer.

9. Never a silent night when you’re among Jewish loved ones.

8. If someone messes up on their gift, there are seven more days to correct it.

7. Betting gelt on candle races.

6. You can use your fireplace.

5. Obvious edge: jelly doughnuts vs. a fruitcake.

4. Fun waxy buildup on the menorah.

3. No awkward explanations of virgin birth.

2. You get to eat a nice brisket rather than more turkey.

1.No Irving Berlin songs.

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Don’t sweat it

A few years ago, my mother gave me two sweaters for Chanukah. So the next time we visited, I made sure to wear one.

As we entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she said, “Aaron, what’s the matter? You didn’t like the other one?”

 

Take my life, please

On a special cruise booked entirely for leaders of American Jewish communities, the ship is suddenly hit by a hurricane at sea and shipwrecked on an island inhabited by cannibals.

Only three passengers manage to survive the shipwreck, and they all just happen to be from the same shul: Rabbi Gordon, Cantor Tobias and Jack, the shul’s president.

“We are looking forward to eating the three of you,” says the cannibals’ leader, “but before we do, it is our custom to grant you a last request. Tell me: What you would like to do before you die?”

Tobias the chazan thinks for a few minutes, then replies, “Well, there’s this special composition that I’ve always wanted to perform. But it takes 30 minutes, so I’ve never been given permission to sing it in my synagogue. I would like to sing it here, before I die.”

“Granted,” says the leader.

Rabbi Gordon then says, “Well, I have never had the guts to give my magnum opus sermon to my congregation. I’ve been working on it for years — but it would take over two hours to do it justice. So I’d like to give it right now, before I die.”

“Granted,” says the leader. He then turns to Jack the president and says, “And you? What do you want?”

Jack replies immediately, “Please, could you eat me first?”