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Ki Teitzei
Deuteronomy 21:10-25:19
There are some areas of Torah that people tend to shy away from, especially in a public forum. The beginning of this week’s Torah portion deals with a topic that seems archaic and anachronistic. Currently, however, the very same issue that we are going to discuss seems much more real because Israel is in a state of war.
“Should you go out to war against your enemy and Hashem will deliver him into your hand and you take captives; and you see a woman of beautiful form among the captives and you desire her, you may take her for a wife.” (Deuteronomy 21:10-11)
The reality of war is terrible for so many reasons. Unfortunately, we are still within a year of the massacre on Oct. 7 in which Hamas murdered 1,200 Israelis and took hundreds captive. We are now keenly aware of the abuse of the captives, including explicit sexual abuse, at the hands of the terrorists. Despite the lack of outcry on the part of the world at large, the facts are not hidden and the pain has been exposed. There is a tendency to dismiss atrocities as just a reality of war. “All’s fair in love and war” is not a Jewish quote, but it does have universal acclaim. The Torah takes a completely different approach.
“You shall take her into your house and she shall shave her head and do her nails. She will remove her dress of captivity from upon herself and she will sit in your house and she will cry for her father and mother for one month and afterwards you will come to her and cohabit with her and she will be your wife. If it should be that you do not desire her, you will send her on her own; you will not sell her for money, you may not enslave her, since you have afflicted her.” (Deuteronomy 21:12-14)
The Torah is giving explicit directives as to how one must treat this woman taken in captivity. Despite the lust that a soldier may experience, he has to follow due process if he wants her to actually become a wife. He first has to slow down and wait for a month. He cannot act on his base animalistic instincts and just have his way with her. Further, there is the instruction that she should be made to be unattractive so that his judgment should not be clouded by his libido. Shaving her head and allowing her nails to grow unkempt are part of the strategy to cool down his passion. Watching her cry for her parents is also a way of discouraging a union between these two parties. A person should be looking for a life partner who will create an atmosphere of joy in the home and not one of melancholy. If despite all this, his rational mind will still encourage him to take her as a wife, then he may do so.
The Talmud puts the case frankly. This was written in the Torah for the sake of the yetzer hara, or evil inclination (Babylonian Talmud, Tractate Kiddushin 21b). The Talmud suggests that had the Torah not given a possibility for the soldier to marry this captive, then he would most likely violate her in a forbidden manner. It is as if the Torah has created a release valve knowing the fallibility of men. At the same time, there is a strong hint that suggests that even following the formula prescribed will not protect someone from experiencing intense disappointment if they enter a relationship for the wrong reasons.
The very next verses in the parashah speak of a man having two wives: one of whom is loved and the other hated. What makes one of them hated? Rashi, the foremost Torah commentator from the 11th century in France, quotes a midrash stating that the sequence is deliberate. If someone takes a woman in battle and decides to then marry her, he should be warned that in the end he is going to hate her.
Attraction is a critical element in a healthy marriage, but it must be coupled with a sense of shared values and purpose. Taking a woman from a foreign army in battle is not the way to build a successful relationship or a successful home. The Torah may give a formula to ensure that there is no base crime of passion, but that does not mean that there is an assurance that this kind of marriage will be a success.
We should all hope that there is peace in the world and that no one ever has to experience the tragedies that war brings.