Representing a broad spectrum of movements, 23 local rabbis have converged to take action against a problem long hidden in the Jewish home: domestic violence.
“It’s just time to expand the Jewish community’s awareness of this as a problem within our community,” said Rabbi Helen Cohn of San Francisco’s Congregation Emanu-El, co-chair of the advisory council to Shalom Bayit, an 11-year-old domestic violence program serving the local Jewish community.
“For generations, it’s been assumed as a matter of principle that domestic violence was not a Jewish issue. It’s not a problem for the Jews.”
But it is, say Cohn and other spiritual leaders who have formed the council. The rabbis represent congregations and movements stretching from Congregation Emek Beracha, an Orthodox minyan in Palo Alto, to Reform Congregation Shir Shalom in Sonoma. Twelve of the council’s members are women, including both co-chairs.
“I think this is huge progress in the rabbinic community and the Jewish community,” said Naomi Tucker, founder and executive director of the privately funded counseling and education center in Oakland. Shalom Bayit, whose name means “peace in the home,” worked directly with about 40 women last year and fielded 650 calls from victims, relatives and community members concerned about domestic violence.
By forming the advisory group, “It says to me that these rabbis recognize that domestic violence is happening and they commit to transforming their own communities in a way that works to end abuse in Jewish homes,” Tucker said.
“In the 11 years we’ve been here, we’ve spoken to a lot of women who have gotten very unsupportive reactions from rabbis,” she said. Some responses were “to go home and make shalom bayit.” In other cases, rabbis were uncertain how to respond to the reports of abuse they were hearing.
These days, “I don’t see that happening now with the rabbis we’re working with in the Bay Area,” she added.
By forming the group and meeting annually, Tucker said, the rabbis will “send a really clear message” that domestic violence is an issue that should be openly discussed and that rabbis can be a resource in dealing with.
“I think it’s very powerful for women to hear from the bimah of their own congregation the mention of domestic violence,” she said. “If a woman is being battered and hears it from her own rabbi and congregation, she’s much more likely to turn to them for help in her own situation.”
At their recent first gathering, the rabbis discussed strategies for reaching out to battered women and stopping the cycle of violence. Ideas include delivering annual sermons about domestic violence, printing information in synagogue newsletters, creating congregational support groups, and providing abuse awareness in premarital and couple counseling sessions.
“I just think we could make a tremendous difference in individual lives by our knowledge about how to respond to the issues of domestic violence,” said Cohn, who is co-chairing the new group along with Rabbi Pam Frydman Baugh of Or Shalom Jewish Community, a San Francisco Renewal congregation.
Cohn thinks rabbis can play a key role in stopping violence because “we get to see into people’s lives more intimately than most people are privileged to see.”
The rabbis also talked about creating synagogue policies for handling domestic violence cases, said Tucker, particularly when both the victim and abuser are congregants.
That broad issue, she said, is expected to be the focus of the council’s next meeting a year from now. The rabbis hope to find strategies for “how to work with the abuser in a way that both holds them accountable and doesn’t affect the safety or confidentiality of the victim,” she said.
Tucker noted that Kehilla Community Synagogue, a Renewal congregation in Berkeley, last year adopted detailed guidelines for responding to abuse. The policy followed a lengthy review and training period by the 400-family congregation.
“Often, congregations in the past and many in the present try to avoid these issues,” said Kehilla spiritual leader David Cooper. “It’s uncomfortable. It flies in the face of what they believe about the Jewish community and often the person who was the abuser is somebody in good standing in the congregation.”
The guidelines included the formation of a Kehilla Committee Against Abuse that will help protect the safety of abused members and promote tshuvah (repentance) for those who have committed the abuse.
Cohn said she believes that it’s important for Shalom Bayit’s name and phone number to be continually publicized.
“The victims of domestic violence are not likely to pick up the phone the first time they hear about Shalom Bayit,” she said. “It might take hearing about it many times over several years before having the courage to make the phone call.”
With that in mind, Baugh placed stickers with the agency’s phone number on her office door and in the synagogue’s bathrooms.