Glila
In a Conservative shul in Toronto, there once was a president who was a nice businessman but, Jewishly, well, he was ritually challenged.
On Rosh Hashanah, the gabbai offered him an aliyah.
Panicked, he said, “No, no, no. I can’t read the Hebrew blessings. I’ll embarrass myself.”
The gabbai said, “You HAVE to take some honor, you’re the president!”
“Isn’t there anything where I don’t have to talk?”
The gabbai thought for a minute and suggested, “How about glila?”
“What’s glila?” asked the president.
“Simple,” replied the gabbai. “You just come up after the Torah is lifted and when the cover is put on, you put on the breastplate and the crown and then sit down.”
Relieved, the president accepted the honor.
And so, right after the hagba (lifting), the president came up, put on the breastplate and the crown and went back to his seat.
The gabbai came running over and said, “On the TORAH, on the TORAH!”
Hawaii
An elderly Jewish couple on their way to a vacation in Hawaii got into an argument about the correct pronunciation of Hawaii.
He was sure it was Havaii, but she maintained that it was Hawaii.
As soon as they landed, they asked the first person they saw: “Would you mind telling me the name of this island?”
“Havaii!” the man replied.
“Thanks,” answered the man.
“You’re velcome,” the man replied.
My ancestor
An old woman was explaining to the Jewish florist how she wanted the flowers arranged at the DAR (Daughters of the American Revolution) meeting to celebrate the signing of the Declaration of Independence.
“Actually,” she said, “one of my ancestors was present at the presentation of the document to the Congress.”
“How very nice.” replied Morris the florist. “One of my mine was present at the presentation of the Ten Commandments to the world.”
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