Fit for life
Bob had reached 60, so he went to see Dr. Myers for a full medical check-up. After the exam, Dr. Myers said, “Relax, Bob, you’re in very good shape. I can’t find anything wrong with you. You’ll probably live till you’re 100. So how old was your father when he died?”
Bob replied, “Did I say he was dead?”
Dr. Myers then asked, “How old is your father? Is he still active?”
“He’s 83 and goes jogging and Israeli dancing every week.”
Dr. Myers was very surprised. “How old was your grandfather when he died?”
Bob again answered, “Did I say he was dead, doctor?”
Dr. Myers was astonished. “You mean to tell me that you are 60 years old and both your father and grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather active?”
Bob replied, “He goes swimming twice a week, and plays a full round of golf every Sunday, weather permitting. Not only that, he is 107 years old and next month he is getting married again.”
Dr. Myers said, “If he’s 107 years old, why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?”
Bob looked Dr. Myers in the eye and said, “Did I say he wanted to?”
The chase
Bill’s business had done so well that he treated himself to a brand new Mercedes convertible. When he picked up the car from the dealer, he decided to take it out on a spin on 880. Soon he was driving at 100 mph with the wind blowing through his hair.
“This is awesome” he said to himself and increased his speed a bit more. But a quick look in his rear-view mirror showed a police car with flashing lights coming up quickly behind him.
Bill thought, “I can easily get away from him,” and he started to accelerate away. But then he had another thought, “What the heck am I doing? This is madness,” so he quickly pulled over to the side of the road and waited.
The police car pulled up behind him and a policeman got out. He walked up to Bill and said, “This just might be your lucky day. Today is Friday the 13th and my shift ends in 3 minutes. If you can give me one good reason why you were speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you off with just a warning.”
Bill looked at the policeman and said, “Last week, my wife, Tiffany, ran off with a policeman and I thought you were bringing her back. That’s why I was trying to get away from you.”
The policeman said, “Enjoy the rest of your day and have a good Shabbos.”
A trip to Israel
Nancy was on her first visit to Israel and was on a special day tour of Jerusalem. The first stop was a big beautiful shul and she said to her guide, “That’s really special. How long did it take to build?”
The guide replied, “About five years, madam.”
Nancy replied, “In my country it would only have taken six months.”
They carried on with the tour and arrived at a small settlement. Hette said to the guide, “This is really lovely. How long did they take to build it?”
“About eight years, madam.” he replied.
Nancy said (snootily), “Huh, in my country it would have taken less than a year.”
Then they arrived at the Western Wall. Nancy gasped at its size and said to the guide, “Just look at that structure!”
The guide didn’t wait for her next comment. He immediately said, “My goodness! I can’t believe it — it wasn’t here this morning!”
These jokes have been e-mailed to us by friends and associates who, for the most part, have downloaded them. We therefore cannot verify the authorship.