Today, couples marrying for the first time have at least a 50 percent chance of divorce, according to The Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver.
But now for the good news: High levels of marital distress — and divorce as well — can be prevented.
Premarital counseling programs have been around since the 1940s commonly offered through universities, religious institutions and family support centers.
Most of these programs share similar goals: to build techniques for problem-solving, creating intimacy and commitment to the relationship. These skills can help couples deal with sexuality issues, financial management, marital roles and expectations and just about any situation a married couple might face.
Howard Markman, Scott Stanley, Susan Blumberg and other doctors at the University of Denver have been researching marital health and success for more than 15 years. These researchers have identified factors that predict marital breakdown while striving to teach couples how to communicate effectively and work as a team to solve problems and manage conflicts without damaging closeness, love, commitment and friendship.
The divorce-separation rate for couples who participated in the Denver program is significantly lower than for couples who did not participate — 8 percent compared to 19 percent, five years after marrying.
The Denver program and others like it “address the three C’s, if you will — the three most important topics that couples want to learn about: commitment, communication and conflict management,” said Natalie Jenkins, general manager of the university’s Center for Marital and Family Studies.
Counseling sessions help couples understand fully what commitment is all about, “to make sure they’re on the same page,” said Jenkins, and teach them how to handle disagreement through conflict management and how to communicate more effectively.
“We don’t always communicate in the way we think we do,” said Jenkins. “Men and women are fundamentally different, and it’s finally OK to say that. The first step is just to be aware of differences, how we interpret behaviors differently. Then we teach skills on how to talk, how to listen, how to be aware of what we call filters.”
A key component of the program is its Speaker-Listener Technique, in which the speaker is allowed to state his or her feelings on a matter (while holding some physical symbol such as a pen), during which time the listener cannot interrupt and afterward must paraphrase what he or she believes the speaker has said.
This technique is geared toward tackling especially difficult topics.
The speaker and listener change roles back and forth during the conversation. Couples stay on one subject at a time, can use a timeout and try to focus on discussion rather than problem-solving.
The Denver researchers have taught this approach to hundreds of couples.
Programs based on the Denver model are offered throughout the United States by mental health professionals or clergy who have been trained in the techniques. The cost ranges from one-day workshops, averaging about $100 per person, to weekend workshops at area resorts for about $400, to six weekly two-hour sessions.
The Center for Marital and Family Studies maintains a national directory of practitioners trained in the techniques. For more information, write to the Center for Marital and Family Studies, University of Denver, 2155 S. Race St., Denver, CO 80208, or call (303) 871-3829.
According to the AAMFT, premarital programs conducted by marriage and family therapists average four to eight sessions with the average total time of 14 hours. The average fee for MFTs is $80 per hour.
“We have found the best referral service is a local one,” says John Ambrose, spokesman for the AAMFT. “We recommend that people search their Yellow Pages under `marriage and family therapy,’ or they can write to us requesting a list of state referral services operated by our state divisions.”
You can contact the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy at 1133 15th St., N.W., Suite 300, Washington, D.C. 20005; (202) 452-0109.