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Now my future mother-in-law has asked my mother to ask families who live near our shul to host observant out-of-town guests so they may walk to shul on Shabbat, instead of staying at the hotel and davening there. My mother is becoming angrier at each request because she feels that the observant guests (a small percentage of the total wedding guests) are "taking over" her plans for the wedding weekend and are not acting like gracious guests and being accommodating. I feel very caught in the middle because I see the situation from both sides.

How do you suggest I deal with this issue and help my mother organize her plans for the wedding while meeting my in-laws' religious needs, as well? Sorry this is such a long letter — I appreciate your help!

Dear Friend,

The challenges of integrating two different families are always tough. Weddings often generate a great deal of tension and anger because feelings run so high and because people come to weddings with very different preconceptions about what ought to happen.

I can well sympathize with your mother. It sounds like the entire burden has fallen on her shoulders: making all the plans, accommodating everyone's needs, anticipating peoples' concerns. This is a heavy burden and she needs to hear how grateful the rest of the family is that she is willing to do the hard work to make the wedding beautiful.

That having been said, the focus of a wedding is the bride and groom. Your mutual happiness and joy is the entire focus of the day. (Indeed, causing a bride to rejoice is a mitzvah, a religious commandment.) In the service of that mitzvah, making all the guests feel welcome and accommodated is a high virtue.

I'm sure the more observant relatives and friends regret having to need special consideration, but feeling commanded by God doesn't leave a lot of room for compromise. The Sabbath is one of the Ten Commandments, and the Torah is quite clear that its observance is one of the weightiest of all the mitzvot. Kashrut, similarly, has been a mainstay of Jewish life and a powerful expression of God's sovereignty and the sanctity of life. No one should have to sacrifice their integrity for the sake of attending a wedding or a meal.

I would encourage you and your fiancé to try to take over the planning for the observant relatives. It isn't fair to your mother to have to do everything herself, and it isn't fair to ask Jews to have to choose between their faith and their family. Some way should be found to accommodate their participation without burdening your poor mom.

Best of luck. Mazel tov to you all.