Sign up for Weekday J and get the latest on what's happening in the Jewish Bay Area.

When a woman of a certain age marries a man of a certain age, chances are their wedding won't have the glitz and glamour that marks celebrations of couples in their 20s and 30s. But often what they and their guests experience is much more real, much more substantial and sometimes even more joyous than the weddings of the younger set.

"A lot of people said our wedding was the most wonderful wedding they have ever been to," said Joan Gold, 48, who was married this summer to Paul Newlin, 55. It was her first marriage and Newlin's third.

"It wasn't about the things that weddings sometimes are, like showing how rich and successful you are. It wasn't about making fantasies come true like when you're young," said Gold, who lives with her husband in San Leandro. "We wanted to share our love for each other with the people in the world who are most important to us, to have our commitment witnessed by our community."

Gold surprised herself when she realized that she wanted to have a rabbi perform the ceremony. Although culturally very Jewish, Gold has never been observant. Her experience with ritual Judaism was limited to occasionally having been taken to synagogue by her grandparents as a child. Because of that and the fact that Newlin isn't Jewish, Gold thought that a rabbi wouldn't want to marry them. But a friend put them in touch with Rabbi Allen Bennett of Temple Israel in Alameda. Not only was Bennett willing to perform interfaith marriages but, contrary to Gold's fears, he didn't scold her for not being more observant.

"I remember how Paul and I felt the first time we went to see the rabbi," said Gold. "We went into the sanctuary. Jewish stars were carved in the pews. I felt like my whole family was there, in the room with me, grandparents, great-aunts and -uncles. All the relatives I remember from when I was a child, who came from the Old Country. This was definitely my place."

Newlin, who is a very lapsed Mormon, may not have had the historical connection to Judaism. However, he liked the idea of having a rabbi officiate.

"We are both spiritually inclined and wanted the ceremony to have a feeling of spirituality," said Newlin, who is an environmental technician. "I was in favor of a rabbi as it represented more closely our roots as a couple."

Gold said that Bennett showed them the ceremony that he normally uses for interfaith couple. It had very few references to God, but Gold and Newlin asked that more God references be added.

"We wanted an acknowledgement of our commitment before God and our community," said Gold adding that finding someone with whom you want to spend the rest of your life is a gift.

"If you're lucky you see it as a gift and are willing to work to keep it. You can't do that when you're young because you think it's an entitlement. When you're older you don't see it as an entitlement. You know it's grace, a gift."

Gold describes the gift as finding someone you can allow to know you and who will let you know him. It's also about letting go of judgments, accepting the unacceptable in yourself and allowing your partner to be flawed. It's a union with no illusions.

"I like being 48 years old and being married for the first time," said Gold. "I'm glad I didn't do it in my 20s. I had no idea who I was. I would have looked for a partner who made up for what I wasn't. I chose Paul for himself, not because he gave me anything I didn't have."

Another thing about getting married when you're older is that you're in charge of the wedding. You decide on the guest list, the menu, the bridesmaid dresses, the music and the decorations. You're also the one to pick up the tab. But it's an opportunity for friends to get involved so that they feel like they're part of your simcha rather than being spectators at a performance in your honor.

Gold and Newlin's friends played an active role in their wedding. They helped make the paper cranes and bought the flowers that decorated the social hall. Two friends who play the flute and piano performed at the wedding as a gift to the couple. Another friend, a photographer, gave the wedding pictures as his gift. Joan's writing group — Joan is a freelance writer — helped her buy her wedding dress. Another friend helped the couple find the rabbi, while other friends guided them through the whole process of planning a wedding.

Although Gold and Newlin were together for seven years before they married, Gold said that the act of getting married added something to their relationship. And, as a woman who got hitched after 40, she says she has become an inspiration to others.

"I've been the standard-bearer for women over 40," said Gold. "When Paul and I met, I was 41. I was certain I was going to spend my whole life alone. But we have worked very hard. This wasn't a fantasy relationship or a fantasy marriage."

But that doesn't make it any less magical.

Other Celebrations Stories

Ask the rabbi

Bridal news on diamonds, boutonnieres

Choose music that speaks to your heart and soul

The brit benefits health and spirit

A bat mitzvah mother's letter and the story of a tallit

Israeli mixed couple hold a civil ceremony

Scholar-in-residence transforms bat mitzvah weekend

Triplets share 3 times the fun in 3 successive b'not mitzvah

Fairy-tale weddings come true in movies