It’s beginning to look a lot like Purim. Time for Jews to prepare. Here at j, we do that by breaking the stuffy rules of journalism and going a little crazy. Thus we present the following “Reader’s Guide to Purim.”
Also known as the Day of Vile Pastry, Purim is the holiday on which Jews recount the story of Queen Esther or, as she was known in ancient Persia, Doris Ledner-Greenblatt.
Every Jewish child knows the tale. Esther was a bipolar Jewish screenwriter engaged to a tax attorney named Ahasuerus. When her high school arch rival, Vashti, lands a three-picture deal with Universal, Esther turns to massage therapist Mordechai for consolation, but he has to report to traffic school and cannot help her.
At the same time, Haman, an evil Pilates instructor undergoing court-ordered Rogaine treatment, schemes to make a bundle designing swimwear for pets. Things go awry when Esther reveals herself to be Jewish and Haman is arrested for exotic dancing without a license. Hilarity ensues as Esther serves hamantaschen (Yiddish for “dry and tasteless”) at the Jewish Whaling Society’s annual blubber BBQ/silent auction.
The hamantaschen inspire Haman to hitchhike across Persia in a pirate suit, and there is great rejoicing.
This year, as a public service, we at j. would like to offer the following to help Jews best observe this poignant holiday:
First, in honor of the protagonist, proper Purim attire includes Disco-era polyester clothes (bell-bottoms, shirts with collars the size of a legal pad and two-foot Afros are acceptable).
Children are encouraged to dress like claims adjusters and spin groggers (a Hebrew term meaning “annoying device”).
Adults are urged to imbibe a potent combination of fat-free Italian dressing and chai lattes until they cannot discern the difference between “Blessed be Mordechai” and “Cursed be he who created the Cialis commercials.”
Most importantly, Purim is a time to help the less fortunate, so Jews are encouraged to take their Torah scrolls out of the ark and make the space available to the homeless or to apartment-hunting San Franciscans at below market rate.
If Jews cannot attend a synagogue Purim party, we suggest they celebrate at home by liberally applying skin care products and humming the “Bewitched” theme song (Sephardim prefer “The Brady Bunch”).
If any of this seems a bit over the top, keep in mind the latest white paper from the rabbis of the Jewish Institute of Arcane Obfuscation notes that the spirit of fun and lunacy is what Purim is all about.
Party on.