This coming July, my eldest daughter, Arielle, will be getting married. At 26, Arielle is a talented, accomplished young woman. She is finishing a master’s degree in education at a prestigious institution. She cherishes her teaching career, has a vibrant Jewish identity and lives an active and committed Jewish life. She is surrounded by a multitude of friends and has the kind of love that brings the greatest happiness and fulfillment. My wife, Alix, and I couldn’t be happier for her.
A friend of mine noted that when I tell people about Arielle’s upcoming wedding I add, “You know Arielle’s a lesbian.” My friend asked me why I felt the need to say that. After all, love is love and marriage should just be marriage. I’ve thought a great deal about why it’s been so important for me to tell people that my daughter is a lesbian.
Of course, I’m proud of my daughter, her accomplishments, her life — everything about her. I’m proud that she knows herself deeply and has come to terms with her life so positively. I’m proud of the unconditional love and acceptance that Alix and I have given her. I want people to know Arielle in all her beauty and in all her truth. But that’s not why I make a point of informing people that my daughter’s marriage is a gay marriage.
Although we live in the Bay Area, and despite last year’s remarkable events, set off by San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom, when you say “wedding,” most everyone still imagines heterosexual marriage. This is especially true in religious Jewish circles, where being gay is still, at worst, stigmatized and, at best, ignored.
In our vibrant Jewish community, there are children who will grow up to be gay and teenagers who already, secretly, know they are, and they may suffer more than you can imagine, wondering whether they will be accepted. What should we tell them? That there is no place for them here? That they are welcome so long as they do not publicize their sexuality? That they are sinful beyond repentance? That they have no right to experience mutual love and no right to have that love sanctified by the community of Israel? That they should despair of any real, meaningful acceptance?
In the traditional Jewish world we must not hide from the truth or turn away from gays and lesbians. We need synagogues that welcome gays and lesbians as full and accepted members of klal Yisrael (the community of Israel). We need synagogues where observant gay couples can sanctify their love and enter their children into the covenant of Abraham and Sarah with pride and joy. We must be one of those places.
My daughter has found the love of her life. I am delighted that the service marking the beginning of their life together will not be a commitment ceremony but a wedding, a sanctification of their love and covenant with each other. And at the conclusion, Alix and I will shout “mazel tov” and toast the happy couple, thinking they are the luckiest people in the world. As are we.
Lavey Derby is a senior rabbi at Congregation Kol Shofar in Tiburon and former president of the Board of Rabbis of Northern California.
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