Jewish solo mothers, an often-overlooked source of Jewish strength, continuity and innovation, have a tremendous amount to offer the Jewish community. These solo mothers — whether by choice or circumstance — must overcome significant obstacles to raise and support their children. Often with half the time and income of married couples, they strive to instill a sense of Jewish values in their children and work incredibly hard to give their kids a Jewish education.
That’s why it’s so gratifying that the Jewish community recognizes and is now serving this important population. As the Big Tent Judaism concierge for solo mothers for the past six months, I’ve enjoyed meeting with Jewish solo moms in the San Francisco Bay Area and learning about their interests and needs. While there is much in the organized Jewish community from which they can benefit, they still face many obstacles to participation.
In welcoming Jewish solo mothers into the community, we need to understand and lower the social, economic and logistical barriers to full participation. We can overcome these barriers by honoring the myriad Jewish family forms, pursuing economic justice with dignity and creating logistics that foster participation.
• Honoring our families
In the Jewish community, we have greatly expanded the role of women in leadership, created far more family-friendly communities- and increased the participation of LGBT Jews. Now more than ever, Jewish families come in a variety of forms including solo parents (with or without a co-parent), same-sex families, blended families, divorced families and many more configurations, and we need to fully adapt to that reality.
Respecting the diversity of family constellations involves several strategies. Marketing materials can incorporate inclusive language and visual representations of different types of families, including single parents. I’ve heard from several solo moms that they did not see themselves reflected in the materials or on the website of Jewish organizations in which they were otherwise interested. Solo mothers by choice, in particular, need to know that their decision to start or grow their family will be respected and celebrated.
Rabbis and other leadership can model sensitivity. For example, people undergoing divorce often feel isolated if those around them are unsure how to interact with someone experiencing a painful life transition. The Jewish community recognizes that such people need community more than ever. Whether through new rituals or greater sensitivity and understanding, we can expand on our historic strength of offering community at critical life junctures to include the variety of contemporary situations.
• Economic justice with dignity
Providing economic assistance in order to make our Jewish institutions accessible to those with financial needs has been a longstanding Jewish value. Jewish solo mothers have a range of incomes, but that range is understandably lower than among dual-earner families. Because of the income disparity between men and women, solo mothers on average also earn less than solo fathers. Offering solo parents special rates (for membership, camp, preschool, etc.) could be one meaningful step toward addressing economic disparity within our community. Offering financial aid in a way that preserves dignity is another.
Frequently, offering financial assistance to help people participate in Jewish institutions is viewed as a charitable response to a personal tragedy rather than as an economic justice issue. While the intention is well-meaning, the process of applying for aid often requires disclosures about the intimate details of one’s financial and personal life. This can be deeply humiliating. We can improve the process by asking applicants only what is absolutely necessary, keeping the information strictly confidential and offering scholarships that are multi-year or applicable to multiple programs. Pursuing economic justice with dignity within the Jewish community will promote greater participation, including from solo mothers, and reflect our Jewish values.
• Logistics, logistics, logistics
In real estate, the three most important qualities are location, location, location. For solo mothers, timing, transportation and child care are also major factors in whether they can participate in Jewish communal programming. Weekday evening programming can be particularly challenging for solo mothers, as there is precious little time between child care pickup and bedtime. Providing dinner and child care as well as keeping the program relatively short can help mitigate this challenge. Providing children’s activities at the same time as adult programming is great for all parents but especially helpful for solo parents. Likewise, encouraging carpooling and a culture of helpfulness is invaluable for ongoing activities such as Hebrew school, and especially helpful for solo parents of more than one child. Finally, flexibility in scheduling events that don’t require set times for all participants, like preschool tours or afterschool programs, would be appreciated by many solo mothers.
Overcoming the barriers to full participation in Jewish life for solo mothers will take some effort, determination and thoughtfulness. However, the reward is an infusion of enthusiastic solo-mother families who bring new energy and creativity, and most importantly a strong commitment to creating a Jewish life for themselves and their children.
Nancy Brunn is Big Tent Judaism concierge for solo mothers, a program supported by the San Francisco Jewish Women’s Fund of the S.F.-based Jewish Community Federation. She can be reached at [email protected].