Imagine yourself in a relationship with a person you love and trust. One day, you make a mistake in your checking account. You are called stupid and incompetent. Your checkbook is taken away. You overcook the dinner, and it isn’t eaten or is taken to the sink by your partner and dumped down the garbage disposal. You are told you can’t do anything right. Another time, you speak back, and you are slapped and told, “If you hadn’t spoken like that, I wouldn’t have had to hit you.”
Over time, this treatment escalates. You are certain you must be doing something wrong and it’s your fault. You walk on eggshells, uncertain when the next awful moment will occur and feeling responsible that you must not make it happen again. After all, it is your responsibility to keep a peaceful home — he just lost control.
Actually, your partner was probably in control, responding in a way that a “real man” releases anger.
In the late 1980s Joel Steinberg, a young lawyer, beat his 6-year-old daughter Lisa to death and battered his wife, Hedda Nussbaum severely. In the Jewish community there was not only shock but identification with this family. He was everything your mother told you to marry: a successful Jewish attorney. She was what we wanted to be — an educated professional woman, a publisher. They shattered a myth we rarely questioned.
The Jewish community operates under the assumption that we are intrinsically different and maybe even better. Jews don’t drink to excess. Jews don’t beat their wives. Jews don’t beat their children. With the erosion of the mythology of old Jewish lifestyles, however, drinking, sexual abuse and domestic violence have all made their presence felt.
Domestic violence is not a new problem for the Jewish community, says Anita Friedman, executive director of S.F.-based Jewish Family and Children’s Services. According to stereotypes, Jewish families are warm and nurturing. Jewish women are strong, well educated and in control of their own lives and the lives of their families. In addition, our tradition has placed on women the role of maintaining shalom bayit, peace in the home. As a result, there is a false belief that Jewish women are unlikely to be victims of abuse.
These stereotypes and perceived responsibilities create an atmosphere of shame and disbelief around the issue of domestic violence, preventing Jewish women who are abused from seeking help. Jewish women tend to stay in violent relationships longer than non-Jewish women by an average of five to seven years.
JFCS reports that domestic violence is the most prevalent cause of injury to women in the United States. That in 95 percent of all documented assaults, the crime was committed by men against women. That approximately one-third of all women murdered in this country are killed by their abusers. Every 15 seconds, a woman is battered. Each year, 3 million to 4 million women are battered by their husbands, and more than a million get medical attention as a result.
Every day, four women are murdered by their husbands, according to the FBI. In this country, a woman is more likely to be assaulted, injured or raped by her partner than by any other type of assailant.
Women fleeing domestic violence often return to their abuser repeatedly before making a complete break.
Amy Rassen, associate executive director of S.F.-based JFCS, said domestic violence “is a general term for a range of behaviors usually directed against women, children, the elderly and the disabled. It may include physical violence, threats, emotional abuse or destruction of property. It occurs between couples, married or not.
“Domestic violence does not distinguish between rich, poor or middle class,” she said. “It occurs with equal frequency within all ethnic and religious communities, including the Jewish community.
“Furthermore, domestic violence occurs in all kinds of relationships — gay, lesbian and teen relationships, as well as heterosexual relationships. The prevalence of domestic violence is the same in same-sex relationships as in heterosexual relationships. Furthermore, the dynamics and cycle of violence are similar. What is different is the lack of appropriate services, and less responsiveness to crisis calls by police.”
Fear and shame keep many Jewish women from reporting abuse.
More likely than not, after a “honeymoon period,” your partner will do it again, only this time your child may also be struck and that is the final straw. Your child is hit and also watched you being beaten so many times that his school work is suffering, and he is hypervigilant and acting out. Many of the children in treatment at JFCS have been exposed to or witnessed domestic violence. If not treated, a high percentage of these children will grow up to repeat the behavior in later years.
Domestic violence is a major cause of homelessness of women and children. Dream House, sponsored by JFCS, is a safe refuge for women and children of all races and ethnicities. It serves women and children who have left domestic violence and abusive situations, are at risk of homelessness, and are unemployed and in need of retraining. As a Jewish home, it provides an ideal way for Jewish women and their children to reconnect to their holidays, heritage and culture.
The irony about domestic violence is that even with all of the attention on this subject, the numbers and the volume of cases continue to grow.
JFCS has the trained staff to help abused women and children come through this nightmare, to go on with a life free from fear and to help find a way to learn to trust again. Yes, domestic violence leaves emotional scars and sometimes physical scars. It can also be a reminder of how far you have come and how important it is to raise your voice to help others.
It is important not to be silent.
Silence is denial. Silence keeps women isolated. Silence harms abused women and children.