Dear Dawn: I love Christmas but my Jewish girlfriend won’t participate with me, and this is our first holiday season together. I’ve told her that Christmas isn’t really religious for me. The tree and Yule log are pagan originally; they have nothing to do with Jesus. Santa and Rudolph are just American holiday symbols like a turkey for Thanksgiving. Christmas is just what we do in America! How can I get through to her so we can have fun together? — Festive Guy
Dear Festive: Let me be frank with you. You are experiencing the myopic understanding of folkloric-Christian America. I don’t fault you for understanding the world through your own cultural upbringing. But I want you to reflect on what you’ve said, and try to see it through Jewish eyes.
Christmas means “Christ Mass” — that is, a religious service for the Christ. This is the origin and the core meaning of this holiday. Even if you don’t believe in what it expresses, it still represents the birth of the Christ. Its meaning remains intact. It’s like how Yom Kippur retains its meaning even though millions of non-Jews don’t observe Yom Kippur.
You mention that the tree and the Yule log are pagan in origin. True. However, Judaism has opposed paganism from the beginning — take a look at the stories in Genesis and Exodus.
Being pagan doesn’t make it OK. Christianity altered and integrated innumerable practices of the cultures it absorbed. Every country, every culture that has been rendered Christian has leftover traditions that have been adapted to a Christian understanding. That assimilation of indigenous peoples’ heritages is not seen as a plus by many Jews.
Santa Claus, Rudolph, Frosty the Snowman (and even the Grinch), and so on, are indeed American symbols of stories that derive from Christmas and have little or no religious meaning or connection to Jesus. However, everyone knows that they are a part of this specific holiday and displaying them is a reference to Christmas.
You are right. All these symbols, stories and practices are “what we do in America.” Professionally, I refer to your view as American folkloric Christianity. You engage with Christianity more as folklore, like Paul Bunyan or Johnny Appleseed.
However, unlike those American myths, Christmas is huge. It arrives in September and doesn’t exit until after New Year’s Day. It alters the entire American landscape. It infiltrates sports, government, commerce, media and daily social interaction. It is seen as sacred by many, which supercharges its role.
For you, and most Americans, Christmas is so much a part of the fabric of our culture that it is hard to see. Remember the saying “you can’t see the forest for the trees”? That’s what you are experiencing. It is just so darn hard to see a lifelong practice through the lens another.
For your Jewish girlfriend, Christmas may be the epitome of her otherness. As a Jew, she doesn’t observe this massive holiday. She has different holidays and they are the signposts on her calendar, for her life.
I don’t want to put words into your girlfriend’s mouth, so sit down with her and ask her to explain to you how she feels about Christmas and why. She may not dislike it, but simply does not want to participate in it.
The two of you need to understand one another’s viewpoints. Living in America, she assuredly is familiar with Christmas, but personalize it for her. Are there things you do with your family that are particularly meaningful to you? I have a friend who always chops down his own tree and another who has a Christmas cookie exchange. There will be things that your girlfriend refuses to do, but there may be activities that feel neutral to her.
I don’t know how serious you two are, but this conflict is a signal that if you are thinking about a permanent relationship, you should do some serious talking about what you each want in a partner and in the home you will make with that person. You don’t want to be expecting your first child and realize that you want the baby baptized and she wants a bris.
I’m sorry but are you trying to give this guy tips on how to seduce a Jew into celebrating Christmas? Tips to make it go down easier. You know how to get her to dangle her feet in the water. Do realize how offensive that is? She comes from a valid tradition with religious cultural beliefs and you’re helping a guy overcome these?
Seriously she has family I assume could be pretty offended. I mean I’d have a problem if my Jewish sister celebrated Christmas in her home…not that I run her home but unfortunately I’d have to keep my kids away from her home and family. That’s just not an example if want to have set for them. And I’m not the odd man out here.
Let’s put it in other contexts that might actually matter to you. What if she were a hard charger at work and he was asking how he could get her to change jobs to make his life more enjoyable? What if he wanted help trying to figure out how to get his girlfriend to pass up an opportunity to study abroad? How bout if he were interested in threesomes?
I think most people would say he has no right to even ask these things of a girlfriend.and that’s just jobs and sex. You’re talking about core beliefs and family and culture.
But abandoning her cultural beliefs…that deserves a conversation.
And even.more offensive is the small victories Jews-you know those who actually want to be Jewish but can’t afford private Jewish schools have won in not having their kids be forced to participate in Christmas pageants and jews not to have to be forced to suffer through Christian religious rites in public. Your advice to him sound just like the people telling Jews in general to get over it and join the team.
Says more about who you are Dawn than who he is.
Intermarriage is wrong. It should be discouraged. If it happens well then you try and deal with it for the sake of the Jewish kids, if the woman is the Jewish partner, and the jew in the marriage and the larger Jewish families affected.
But that’s apparently not what you do. You counsel people on how to successfully intermarry.
Thats why in fifty years liberal judiasm will be dead. By that time the seventy percent intermarriage rate will have destroyed it more effectively than Hitler and in a more permanent way.
in 50 years, reform and conservative sects will still exist…there just wont be any halachic jews in the pews
They do exist today amidst consolidations and closings and conferences on why their membership is declining. In order to not shut down completely they have to do this outreach to the assimilated intermarried and uninterested to try and wave shiny things in front of their faces to try and get their attention. And even that isn’t working.
In fifty years the only Jews left in the “pews” will be either the orthodox Jews or the Christians that bought their facilities after the lefty Jews just cut out the middle man and become a branch of the democratic party.
I agree with a lot of what you say Earnest. Love is unselfish sacrifice at the sake of one’s own lust or pleasures. Unselfish sacrifice is not blind, it’s realistic. The world would be a better place with seriously committed Jews and Christians rather than liberal, leftists lukewarm ones.
I totally agree with you Ernest. Stop trying to ”fix” this as you can not wipe away that which is so obvious! Love Is blind yes and if you intermarry children out of the drama. Children need a unified front and a solid foundation to face the crazy world we are creating. Holidays are more than window dressing, they fuse families and communities and strengthen resilience of individuals.
Actually love is not blind. Chemistry is blind. Lust is blind. Romance is blind. But love, for grown ups, requires deep knowledge and commitment and common ground. Traditional.jews use the latter to form marriages. It’s why we have a six percent divorce rate. We understand love.
Intermarriage is a byproduct if goyish American Jews falling out of love with jewishness. My daughter will never intermarry. That’s because she’s being raised with a love of judiasm. Her life is full of shabbat and holidays and Jewish day school. Her whole life us surrounded in unapologetic, uncompromising yiddishkeit.
Marrying out would be to leave parts of that world behind for someone who doesn’t understand it. Her first love is her family her community and her jewishness. Her second love will probably have to fit in there. Besides if she’s actually that involved with Jewish life…where’s she going to spend enough time with a goy to conduct a courtship? She’s busy in her community.
Yes youre right the holidays are something that brings people together. Now sit and think how seriously lefty American Jews take actual Jewish holidays and shabbat. You just answered a big part of the question as to why intermarriage happens. Lefty American Jews aren’t in love with yiddishkeit anymore. Theyre in love with their jobs and their pet political causes and whatever makes their lives easier. Actual.jewishness is too.much bother.
And their kids see it.
Excellent comment perfect logic ! So rare these days!
What if a couple consciously plan on not having kids?
actually, the guy is right. if his jewish gf has no problem dating and having sex with him, she should have no problem celebrating pagan holidays. he should dump her for she is only using him for his money and his body
Excellent article. I tell the young man find yourself another girl or pay a heavy price later when you are fighting about how to raise the kids. My parents were such a couple and every time my father went out of town mom took us to Methodist Church we were told not to say anything. How my parents remained married for life was a major miracle in my opinion.
Why not celebrate it as the Winter Solstice, which was the original reason for the season anyway? I always loved the holiday season, and as a child, longed to celebrate it. When I was in college, I realized that what really spoke to my soul is the symbolic rebirth of the Sun at the time of greatest darkness. That is what I happily celebrate every year.
Why not celebrate it as the Winter Solstice?
Because observant Jews and Christians do not adhere to pagan beliefs – which nature worship is.